A Post About Nothing

So, before I actually publish my thought, or thoughts, that have inspired this long overdue return to my blog, I have to take a moment just to laugh at myself. An apologetic laugh to be sure. I am, of course, referring to the broken promise with which I ended my last post of so many months ago... To be fair though I didn't mean to lie...when I said it I believed it to be the truth. In fact there are right now three unfinished drafts collecting proverbial dust in their designated space in the archives of my blog. Any one of which could have been the means of fulfilling my word. As a matter of fact that was my intention as I began each one oh so long ago. Now, I suppose one could argue that in their current state they are little better then ideas with no concrete substance to validate my claim of their existence. However, I read somewhere that beginning a thing is half of the battle, and since I started three posts, four actually including this one, that should count as two whole posts, right? Besides, it's the thought that counts isn't it? Anyway, since the above argument is detrimental to these and other rationalizations I choose not to acknowledge it. =) Regardless, enjoy the blog posts that will follow (no promises though :P)

The Forgotten Post

So, as you will be able to tell by the subject matter of this post, it is an old one...I meant to finish and post it in a timely manner but I let time get away from me...So I've decided to just post it as is. You'll forgive the flaws I hope. Enjoy.

So for anyone who is not totally up to date, I am currently working at Albion College in Dining Services. My job responsibilities vary depending on the day and shift. Often I work in the dish room, which works very much like an assembly line, where each employee gets one task that he/she repeats over and over until monotony saps the last remaining vestiges of sanity that a person has left. At other times though I work either on maintaining the beverage stations and restocking everything (plates, bowls, silverware, etc) or I man the deli station (one night out of the week). None of it is particularly hard and once you know your way around it is possible to zone out completely and still do a fairly good job. To put it another way, it's boring! haha. I don't say that as a complaint though. I actually very much like my job, I mean, it's not something I want to do for the rest of my life but for the here and now it's really not bad at all. I only point out the lack of excitement as an explanation of what is to follow in this post...
Now then, I'll get back to that, but presently I would like to speak briefly about the Olympics. They are of course over now, I'm not really sad about that, but while they were going on I kinda liked watching them. I was fascinated by these athletes who have dedicated so much of their lives to these sports. I do have to wonder how some people get into some of these sports though...or how some of these sports even exist... I mean some of these things I just don't understand how the athletes didn't all die in the beginning stages of learning how to do it...I feel like selecting the gold medalist in those events should be easy, like the one guy who tried it and DIDN'T die just has to show up and get his medal...everybody else died, he wins by default, simple enough. But no, there are lots of people who not only didn't die doing these things but were crazy enough to stick with it until they were good at it...better them then me I say... Then there are things that I just don't understand...like biathlon...how did that start? Some guy sittin' around goin', "man, I love to ski...but I love to shoot guns too...it's just too bad I can't do both at the same time...*sigh*...unless..." and then he found out that there were a lot of other weirdos out there just like him and biathlon was born. That's how I imagine it anyway. Either that or folks from Scandinavian countries used skies to get around more effectively in wild lands where they went hunting and it later evolved into a sport... I think I'll stick with my first supposition though. Of course there are a lot of sports that make sense: i.e. Bobsled. It's sledding but with G-forces to rival those reached by astronauts exiting the atmosphere. It's the classic "man" upgrade, namely taking something simple and making it exponentially faster and giving it that "more power" quality that is so very important. Figure skating also makes since to me, but in a very different way. It's just one of those things that you have to see to believe. I mean, if someone told me that these young girls (and strangely enough guys) could go out on the ice with ice skates on and not only jump around all over the place at high speeds but also spin around at a million miles an hour and NOT fall down... I'd tell them that there's more then just the speeds these people reach that's "high".
"Meanwhile back at Albion college... Our hero is faced with the monumental challenge of fighting off that insidious fiend 'Boredom'. Menial task after menial task stands between him and his freedom. With his only ally, his trusted and every ready sidekick 'Imagination' close by, can he succeed? Will payday ever come? ..." Sorry...got a little carried away there... Anyway, at work, when I get a little on the bored side sometimes in the back of my mind I imagine that the things that I'm doing are infinitely more important then they are. So while the Olympics were going on I would half wonder what it would be like if the things like cup catching (grabbing the cups off the trays that come back on the conveyor belts and sorting them into the appropriate receptacle to then be sent through the washer), cup stacking (taking clean cups, staking them, and placing the stacks on the cup cart to be taken out to the dining area), and sorting silverware (do I really need to explain this one?) were in fact all great Olympic sports. Shoot if biathlon can do it why not this right? Not convinced? maybe "upgrade" it and make it "faster", sorting silverware at five 'G's!! Anyway, while I imagined this stuff, I of course became a competitor and the favorite to win the gold in all of these events. It was pretty epic. Of course with the gold medal at stake I tried to work flawlessly and as fast as I could (who says insanity doesn't pay?). Anyway all of this imagination takes place on a near subconscious level, I'm only barely aware of it when I do it. I suppose it is my minds way of comforting me for being at the bottom of the proverbial food chain in life. Regardless as I realized that I was doing that with the Olympics I had to wonder, "How would the announcers commentary go?"
...
And this is where I stopped...The thought of finishing it has occurred to me but the original idea has grown stale with time, and if I wait any longer this will never be posted, so I suppose there is nothing to do but cut my losses and post it. Keep you eyes open for a new post soon though, I've already begun it and I plan to have it up soon...

"Here's Your Change"

Throughout life I've encountered change quite a lot. It's not something that I've generally been too happy with either (for the record, I'm not talking nickles and dimes here). I mean even when it has been a change for the better I have had a hard time with it. Change, at least big change, has generally left me feeling very much alone in an unknown situation with unknown people. And while being alone doesn't normally bother me too much, feeling alone, whether I'm alone or not, is devastating to me...especially when I don't really know where I am or what I'm doing. Change therefore has been rather difficult for me to deal with in life, though, I'm getting much better at it in my old age. Now at this juncture I could tell any number of what could be inspiring stories about how I've learned to deal with change in my life, how I've dealt with change, what I've learned about myself as I've dealt with it, and indeed about the good things that come from positive change when reinforced with positive action. I could likewise tell many stories about times when I let things get me down and how I didn't re-act to change the way that I should have, and I could share other lessons about change that I've had to learn the hard way. I could tell those stories...but I won't, at least not here and now. For now, I simply want it known that change has been, is, and likely will continue to be hard for me, even when I know that it's for the best and even when I'm grateful for it.
Now then, having established that point, I'd like to point out that most change has come to me unbidden, often unexpected, and I've really had very little control in the way or times that these changes have come in my life. I mean growing up you go to school, and throughout those thirteen years or so there is constant change, choice in those changes is limited. I've moved a few times in life (a lot more then a few if you count mission transfers) and by and large I haven't had a great deal of choice in those moves. Life made them necessary and I went along for the ride. This is how most of the big changes in my life are, desired or not, expected or not, they come and I have to deal with them when they do. Such is, as far as I know, normal.
Now, life brings change with it to everyone of all ages. As an adult though I've run into an interesting dilemma that as a youth I never truly had: That is, in some cases I get to choose to make big changes or not... I'm not saying this is new or that I'm just finding this out or anything, I would like to point out though that I'm not very experienced with this yet and I can't say as I like it overly much. The idea of causing myself so much grief and discomfort, of disconnecting myself from everything that I'm familiar with, of exposing myself to loneliness (among other things), and all with no guarantee of success or happiness, and indeed with very little certainty of whether it's the right thing or not...well, frankly it scares me to death...
So, why do I bring all this up? What's the point? Well, I bring it up because it is very much on my mind. The thing is that I'm not happy with my life and I haven't been for a long time now. For so long now, in fact, that I've almost forgotten what it feels like to be happy and satisfied with myself and with my life. Now, as I say this I don't want anyone to worry too much. I know in the recent past I've had some very bad spells of deep depression that have caused a lot of you undue grief and worry. I'm sorry for that. That's not what this is though, so don't worry about that. I'm not shutting down or shutting anyone or anything out. I'm quite capable of very good moods in fact. I'm simply not happy with myself or with my life or where my life is leading right now. Therefore I'm considering very big change. As some of you know, I have been considering big changes or big moves off and on now for a very long time. As time has gone on and continues to go on I find that the need for change becomes progressively greater and more and more real. I imagine that if I wait long enough life will force my decision or else simply destroy me...I'd rather not wait to find out which comes first... In the mean time though, I really don't know specifically all of the changes that need to take place or the extent to which they need to take place. As mentioned above I'm not too excited to expose myself to change, though the truth is that a lot of things (including some very bedrock "without them I feel lost" kinds of things) are going to change very soon anyway, so I may as well meet my future on my terms if I can manage it. The ramifications of facing all this and the decisions before me leaves me feeling very drained though and I'm going to need as much enabling support as anyone can give me.
Now then, to rap this up, I haven't been very specific here as to the reasons that I'm unhappy with myself or with life, or why I feel such need for change. There are a lot of reasons and I AM willing to talk about them, I just didn't feel it was necessary to add such weight to this blog post for the time being. I know some of you know some of the reasons already. Regardless, don't hesitate to ask me about the details if you want to know more.

The Indomitable Humpty Dumpty

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, and all the Kings horses and all the Kings men couldn't put Humpty together again...”

OK, first of all, where in that short poem does it say that Mr. Dumpty is an Egg?? Anyone? That's right! it doesn't! Which just goes to show that cartoons have brainwashed us all!

Now then, having established that point, I have to ask, What mother names her child Humpty? I mean really, even if your last name is Dumpty, that's not clever, that's just cruel. That poor kid probably never heard the end of it...which begs the question, Did he have a "great fall" or did he jump? I'm just sayin' is all.

One way or another we arrive at the point where this Dumpty fellow finds himself on the ground all busted up after his fall...and who do they call for help? “All the King's horses and all the King's men.” Now, I really have to question the logic of bringing horses into this. I mean, as well intentioned as these horses might have been, it seems to me that hooves would make for shoddy medical work...as far as that goes, do we really need ALL the Kings men in on this? Seems like a skilled Doctor with a few well trained nurses would have done the trick. I mean what's a blacksmith and a fruit vendor gonna do other then get in the way? Nothing, that's what! Humpty Dumpty never had a chance, doomed from day one, it was a disaster right from the beginning...poor guy...

Then again...maybe Humpty died happy (assuming of course he didn't go up there to jump...). Maybe our good friend Mr. Dumpty went up there to see what must have been the most amazing view! A sunset or sunrise to rival all others. Maybe he was up there from sunrise to sunset to sunrise again, taking in the full glory and majesty of the day: The sun, the moon, and the stars, the valleys below, the mountains around and the plains in between, and all human activity within the range of this grand panorama. Maybe He knew the danger and braved the wall all the same! Perhaps he was a pioneer where all others feared to tread and experienced a view and a joy that none other had even dared to dream before. It could very well be that he died happy...

That is of course if he died at all...I see no real evidence to support that conclusion. Our little limerick does not, after all, end with “Rest In Peace Humpty Dumpty”. All we know is that to some measure the unfortunate Humpty is broken beyond the skill of all of the Kingdom to repair (at least in so far as all of the kingdom is represented by horses and men). It is conceivable, therefore, that the injury in question was nothing more then a sprained ankle or at worst a shattered femur (probably started out as a sprained ankle and then they brought the horses in...his poor femur never saw it coming...) and, it stands to reason, with the level of medical expertise of the day, they simply didn't know how to fix it...was amputation considered? We'll never know.

On the other hand, what if this fall is a symbolic thing? What if, after much planning, dreaming, and scheming, Humpty Dumpty, heart full of hope, ascended to the hight of this great wall, in full anticipation of the afore mentioned glorious panoramic view...only to bear witness to a smog obscured scene of desolation. And so the downtrodden Mr. Dumpty, head held low in shame and disappointment must return to lower elevations, dispirited, disheartened, and disinherited of the hope that once gave him reason to go on... Of course the King would spare no effort to cheer this woeful citizen. He would call in the finest show horses, Jesters, dancers, and performers... But to no avail. Alas the heart of our dear friend seemed forever broken.

Of course it could very well have been that the wall itself was a symbol. Perhaps after rising in prestige and power, in fame and fortune, and in favor in the Kingdom and in the eyes of the King this poor fellow fell victim, like Lancelot of Camelot, to scandal and false accusation. And though all of the entourage of the King defended this fine man's honor, the King would hear none of it and so Humpty Dumpty remained a fallen individual...

Unfortunately we cannot know from the few lines that constitute all of our knowledge of the life and times of Humpty Dumpty which, if any, of these speculations is truth. But the fact that we know so little of the beginning and the end of Humpty Dumpty makes him a model for each of us: For what we do know is that somewhere in the course of his life he fell. The exact nature of this fall is likewise a mystery, again making it a perfect model for our own lives: For in the course of each of our lives we all will fall. None of us, however amazing or wonderful, are perfect, and life, it seems at times, is engineered to cast us down. My hope is that through his fall Humpty earned the title this article has given him: The Indomitable Humpty Dumpty. It is this most noble of all Dumptys who, though fallen and pronounced broken by all men and beast, let no handicap nor dis figuration mar his success nor dampen his hopes of grander scenes. Though his body be broken his spirit would soar higher then the highest of all high walls. It is this unconquerable spirit that, though all dreams be defeated, though all hope be disappointed, would yet dare to dream and live to hope. And though false accusation defame, such a being would hold fast to honor, though all the world try to convince him that he has none, he would live a quite life of principle, even though all his virtue be rendered invisible by the forked tongues of men made blind by scandal.

There is greatness in each of us! It seems to me that the common thread brightly woven into the tapestry of each of the lives of all great men and women is that none of them stayed fallen for long. Yes, we must all fall and meet with disappointment in our lives, but let us be as I hope Mr Dumpty was: Let us let no scorn of our name, nor fear of what we may achieve keep us from the heights other men and women dare not realize. There is well-nigh no fall that is permanent if we simply choose to get up from the ground and stand again (figuratively where such an act is not literally possible).

So whether he was man or omelet let us learn from what we hope Humpty Dumpty was, and indeed may we hope for the same greatness in ourselves!

Anonymous

So I've decided that it is pretty awesome to be anonymous. I mean, when you do something for someone and they see you do it or know that you did it, what do they do? They say thank you or otherwise express gratitude. That's a no brainer, and it's for sure a good thing, and in most cases I believe in that persons sincerity. However, it can't be denied that at least in part the motivation in that "thank you" was likely inspired by simple courtesy. Now, courtesy is a virtue that we should likewise aspire to, but if expressions of gratitude are hollow outside of courtesy then something needs to change. That however is another discussion entirely. So what's my point? When I give of myself anonymously and see the joy and appreciation, unobscured and unfettered by the demands of courtesy or anything else, that that inspires in people it makes me happy. Their gratitude is certainly pure of pretense and I like that.

One Year, Four Funerals, and a Family

I'm not sure how much I can add to what anyone reading this already knows about this last weekend, or indeed, the three other similar occasions of this past year. Most of you were there or at least know all about it by now. I did however want to express in a few words my gratitude (in light of Thanksgiving) for what I consider to be a unique experience on my part.
As all of you well know, I have spent the past two years living out in Michigan in Jonathan's house. For the first year of this time I had Kayleigh as my next door neighbor. And while at the time I'd complain about the volume of her movies and music (I've still got lines from movies I've never seen memorized), given the suddenness of her passing, and considering the fact that I had spent the two years prior to that on my mission and away from everyone, I will forever be grateful for that year that I spent with her just next door, it is priceless to me. Her optimism and love still inspire me.
Similarly, in the past two years I've had the opportunity to make relatively frequent trips with Mom to Kentucky. A few of those trips were made when Granddaddy was still healthy. When he's be up long before the crack of dawn making sausage and eggs for our breakfast. I'm glad that I can still remember his laugh and smile from before the nursing home days. I'm grateful that I was able to watch movies with Uncle Joe in his bedroom with sprite to drink, he always had sprite, and that I was able to go to the movies with him (seems like all the older kids got to do that in the past, but this was my first time). He had a secret or two...I think it's funny that he wants it kept secret actually, but he told me not to tell, and I suppose I never will. He acted like it was a huge conspiracy, I was almost worried when he first started telling me...I almost laughed out loud when I found out what it was though. I'm grateful that I was able to go out and eat with all them at Shoney's and other places so often...we of course had to go out to eat at least once every time we were down there, you would have thought that it was the law that Granddaddy treat us to a meal at a restaurant. It was always funny to see him with Grandma Bloodworth, seemed like he could complain to her about something and sing her praises in all the same breath. They for sure belonged together.
I suppose all of these experiences have actually made it harder to say goodbye but I wouldn't trade them, I couldn't. I am grateful for all of you, my family and my friends! Please know that I treasure the moments we share together (I do apologize if that is too sappy for some of you but it has to be said) May we share many more! Thank you all.

So last night was good. It was a young single adult activity in K'zoo which is typical on Fridays out here. By that I mean to say that it's typical that they have those activities, not that it's typical that I go. I would like to go to all of them and every other young single adult activity that they have out here, but a lack of gas and money in addition to friends who work too much and the distance to travel make it rather more improbable then I would otherwise like it to be. In spite of that improbability however I was able to make it last night. And of course the night that I do make it up there no one else does...well, that's not true...the two girls that I went with were there...Oh, fine there were a few other people there too. That doesn't change the fact that on those Friday nights that I am not able to make it up there for some reason and my other friends go they will inevitably bring back stories of how many people were there and the amazing activities that took place, and then of all the many times that I've been up there I have only ever been to one such like that, and according to these same friends that time was nothing by comparison... Now, I know that it would be illogical for me to somehow take this personally but to miss all of the best activities within a years span...I don't really know how else to take it... For that reason I have decided not to "take it" at all. Live in denial, that's what I'm about. Of course none of that really has anything whatsoever to do with last night...I just wanted to take this opportunity to vent a little. That being accomplished we may now continue our previous narrative.
The activities were few though varied (actually there were a pretty good number considering the amount of time that we fit them in...I just thought that "few though varied", though simple in nature, was rather impressive word choice). We talked a lot, played ping pong, played uno, and played a game called "apples to apples" or something very like that. It was all very fun, but there is one lesson that shall remain with me from it all. I have learned that while one girl may be harmless enough, to allow yourself to be outnumbered two to one by two such girls is shear insanity! I don't advise this. I was picked on, and bashed to no end. If I got a point in ping pong, no matter how legal, somehow it didn't count, the rules existed only insofar as the girls had made them up that far, and it was useless to try and use those rules against them because as soon as you did that the rule would change...and that's not even the half of it! By the end of the evening the only thing that I could do is find some corner of my mind to hide out it, a happy place if you will. Yet as a demonstration of how socially starved I am I actually enjoyed it...I guess at this point the only thing that I can say is, "hang the sense of it and be happy."