Throughout life I've encountered change quite a lot. It's not something that I've generally been too happy with either (for the record, I'm not talking nickles and dimes here). I mean even when it has been a change for the better I have had a hard time with it. Change, at least big change, has generally left me feeling very much alone in an unknown situation with unknown people. And while being alone doesn't normally bother me too much, feeling alone, whether I'm alone or not, is devastating to me...especially when I don't really know where I am or what I'm doing. Change therefore has been rather difficult for me to deal with in life, though, I'm getting much better at it in my old age. Now at this juncture I could tell any number of what could be inspiring stories about how I've learned to deal with change in my life, how I've dealt with change, what I've learned about myself as I've dealt with it, and indeed about the good things that come from positive change when reinforced with positive action. I could likewise tell many stories about times when I let things get me down and how I didn't re-act to change the way that I should have, and I could share other lessons about change that I've had to learn the hard way. I could tell those stories...but I won't, at least not here and now. For now, I simply want it known that change has been, is, and likely will continue to be hard for me, even when I know that it's for the best and even when I'm grateful for it.
Now then, having established that point, I'd like to point out that most change has come to me unbidden, often unexpected, and I've really had very little control in the way or times that these changes have come in my life. I mean growing up you go to school, and throughout those thirteen years or so there is constant change, choice in those changes is limited. I've moved a few times in life (a lot more then a few if you count mission transfers) and by and large I haven't had a great deal of choice in those moves. Life made them necessary and I went along for the ride. This is how most of the big changes in my life are, desired or not, expected or not, they come and I have to deal with them when they do. Such is, as far as I know, normal.
Now, life brings change with it to everyone of all ages. As an adult though I've run into an interesting dilemma that as a youth I never truly had: That is, in some cases I get to choose to make big changes or not... I'm not saying this is new or that I'm just finding this out or anything, I would like to point out though that I'm not very experienced with this yet and I can't say as I like it overly much. The idea of causing myself so much grief and discomfort, of disconnecting myself from everything that I'm familiar with, of exposing myself to loneliness (among other things), and all with no guarantee of success or happiness, and indeed with very little certainty of whether it's the right thing or not...well, frankly it scares me to death...
So, why do I bring all this up? What's the point? Well, I bring it up because it is very much on my mind. The thing is that I'm not happy with my life and I haven't been for a long time now. For so long now, in fact, that I've almost forgotten what it feels like to be happy and satisfied with myself and with my life. Now, as I say this I don't want anyone to worry too much. I know in the recent past I've had some very bad spells of deep depression that have caused a lot of you undue grief and worry. I'm sorry for that. That's not what this is though, so don't worry about that. I'm not shutting down or shutting anyone or anything out. I'm quite capable of very good moods in fact. I'm simply not happy with myself or with my life or where my life is leading right now. Therefore I'm considering very big change. As some of you know, I have been considering big changes or big moves off and on now for a very long time. As time has gone on and continues to go on I find that the need for change becomes progressively greater and more and more real. I imagine that if I wait long enough life will force my decision or else simply destroy me...I'd rather not wait to find out which comes first... In the mean time though, I really don't know specifically all of the changes that need to take place or the extent to which they need to take place. As mentioned above I'm not too excited to expose myself to change, though the truth is that a lot of things (including some very bedrock "without them I feel lost" kinds of things) are going to change very soon anyway, so I may as well meet my future on my terms if I can manage it. The ramifications of facing all this and the decisions before me leaves me feeling very drained though and I'm going to need as much enabling support as anyone can give me.
Now then, to rap this up, I haven't been very specific here as to the reasons that I'm unhappy with myself or with life, or why I feel such need for change. There are a lot of reasons and I AM willing to talk about them, I just didn't feel it was necessary to add such weight to this blog post for the time being. I know some of you know some of the reasons already. Regardless, don't hesitate to ask me about the details if you want to know more.
